Learning To Live
by Miss Wonderfreak
Summary: Post movie. Winry's having a hard time dealing with the loss of Edward and Alphonse. After being forced by her grandmother to move to Central, she runs into Scieska. Can Winry move on and learn to love again? Warnings: femslash shoujo-ai yuri
1. Janus

a.n.: And I present to you, for the first time on your screen ever, a brand new story by myself! ...except that I have a feeling the story won't live up to its introduction. This is a **FEMSLASH** story with **LESBIAN CONTENT** and probable **LIMES**. If you don't like that, don't read it. This takes place post Conqueror of Shamballarammalammakadingitydingdadongshoobopshoowaddawaddayippityboomdeboom (yes, that's what I call it). If you're an EdWin fangirl, you might hate this story. Or you might find it a sweet tale of recovering from doomed teen romance. I dunno. All up to you. And I've also got a nice EdWin bunny brewing for all y'all shippers out there. So, no worries, your time will come.

But for now, sit back and enjoy a tale of love, loss, depression, recovery, self-realization, and hot lesbain sex.

Disclaimer: _fan_fiction. Also, please, if I can make one request, don't call my depictions of pain unrealisitc. I'm writing from experience. Every one of those things I wrote, I've felt. Other than that, I love reviews.

Warnings: Femslash, lesbian relationships, eventual non-explicit lesbian sex, lots of emoing, some more emoing, some angst thrown in for good measure, clinical depression, and slight fanon pairings (debatable). Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Learning To Live

Chapter One: Loss

Winry blearily awoke to the ringing of her alarm clock and a cold, damp nose on her neck. Opening her eyes a hesitant crack, she was given an enthusiastic morning licking.

"No... Den..." She mumbled sleepily, swatting a hand in her dog's general direction. He reluctantly stopped and she glanced at her alarm clock, sighing. Then she bolted upright. 1:30! Why hadn't Granny woken her? She knew how busy Winry was! She'd already have missed her morning clients, but hopefully they could reschedule, and she'd have to call in to Aerugo about that shipment of bolts that she ordered four months ago...

Winry slid out of bed and promptly tripped on her spare screwdriver, bruising her shinbone on her bedframe. Rubbing the injured limb, she glanced aroung her room and noticed for the first time how filthy it was. Dirty clothes on her floor, plates with unwanted food on her desk... She was living in a pig sty. Winry attempted to be disgusted, and failed utterly. She simply couldn't bring herself to care. Why did it matter if her room was clean? No one would see it, anyway.

"I'll clean up later." She mumbled to herself unconvincingly, heading downstairs. Once there, she was mildly surprised to find the house empty. A note on the countertop read:

_Winry,_

_Pete Scorte in Brairtwisen called in for an emergency repair on his legs. I didn't want to wake you. I'll be back tomorrow morning._

_-Pinako_

_P.S. You've been working too hard. I took the liberty of canceling your clients for today. Go swimming with Nelly._

Winry groaned and resisted the urge to bang her head again the kitchen wall. It was so like her grandmother to forget that Nelly had recently married her childhood sweetheart and moved to the next town over. Besides, it was nonsense that Winry had been pushing herself too hard. She was just keeping herself healthily busy! Busy enough so that she didn't have time to dwell on... but no. She would not think his name, not yet. She'd heard that pain faded over time. That was bullshit, just another promise the world couldn't keep. It'd been nine months, and she still hurt more every day.

Winry yawned, and supposed that she should get some breakfast. At 1:30, she should be starved, but strangely enough, she wasn't hungry. Then again, she hadn't been hungry for the past three months. Perhaps she'd take a shower. Yes, a nice hot shower was starting to sound lovely. Patting Den on the head, she headed back upstairs.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Winry didn't know how sore she was until the hot water hit her tired body. Breathing the steam in deeply, she imagined it cleansing her inner organs. Tilting her head back, Winry let water run down her face in little rivulets. It dripped off her chin, onto her thin shoulders, across her small breasts and flat stomach, down her white hips and skinny legs, and Winry felt as though she was washing herself with tears. She hadn't cried for the past nine months, not once. Not since he left. Not since he died, she reminded herself. That was what she called it, and to her, that was what it was. After all, she would never see him again. She'd never get another awkward phone call where he sheepishly begged her to come fix his automail. She'd never see his boyish grin again, never again listen to his ranting about his precious Stone. She'd never again see how the corners of his mouth turned up the slightest bit when he saw her. And she'd never again see how sometimes his face would tighten with pain and his eyes would look a thousand years old. Effectively, he was gone. Edward Elric was dead.

Looking back, Winry supposed that it was his name that'd done it. Since he'd left- died- she'd avoided all things relating to him. She was trying to move on. She tried forget the memories of him in a vain hope that perhaps if he faded, the pain would fade to. Winry hadn't thought his name in months. And for good reason.

His name sent waves of pain rippling throughout Winry's entire body. She instinctively collapsed on the floor as her repressed memories washed over her in a tidal wave of hurt. Edward, laughing at her. Alphonse, rescuing a cat. Edward, ordering her not to cry so much. Alphonse, telling her how lonely it was at night.

A hole tore inside Winry, a vast gaping expanse that ate hungrily at her flesh and bone. She was freezing, the blood in her veins turning into liquid nitrogeon, shattering her ventricles. She couldn't breath, the air in her lungs was burning. Her eyes were wide and dilated in fear, her throat was closing in terror. Her ribcage was being clawed open, her heart was being picked apart. She began to scream, but found instead that she was only quietly whimpering. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself, Winry desperately wondered if she was literally falling into pieces. Reality was blurring into her nightmares. Her skin was falling off, her flesh rotting, she could feel herself being eaten alive. She couldn't think, couldn't feel, couldn't survive. Another wave of pain crashed into her fragile frame, and the edges of her vision began to fade to black. Gasping for air, Winry sank into blessed dark apathy. And in the morning, that was how Pinako found her.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The world was dark and quiet, and there was no pain. That was good, Winry decided. Darkness was good if it meant release. There were no troublesome feelings. The occasional grotesque shell of an emotion leapt out at her, but that was all they were. Shells, staring at her with ugly, empty eyes.

But what was this? Something new leered up at her, something annoyingly bright and loud. She shied away from it, but the light got bigger and brighter until-

"Get up." Pinako's sharp voice snapped Winry back into reality. Raising her head from her arms, Winry looked around in confusion. What had just happened? She'd gotten in the shower around 1:30... yesterday?

"You heard me. Get up, you silly girl." Again, Pinako's tart tone interrupted Winry's train of thought.

"Up!" She insisted. Winry slowly rose to her feet, stiff from spending the night on the bathroom's tiled floor.

"Are you hurt?" For the first time, a trace of concern echoed in Pinako's admonishments. Winry looked at her blankly. Was she hurt? The question suddenly seemed incomprehensible. Looking down at her naked body, Winry saw no sign of blood. Though she still felt the hole inside her, it seemed to have shrunk in size. Flexing her fingers, she decided that everything was in working order. Slowly, she shook her head at her grandmother. Pinako's glare softened the tiniest fraction. She abruptly shoved a bathrobe into Winry's hands.

"Put it on, then come downstairs. We have to talk." With a final puff of her pipe, Pinako stomped. noisily out of the bathroom. Winry dressed slowly, still trying to understand what had just happened. She wandered downstairs as if in a dream.

"Sit." Pinako gestured at the chair opposite herself, her puckered old mouth set into a hard line. Winry sat.

"Drink." She placed a mug of cider in front of her, who took a tentative sip. Pinako leaned back in her chair and contemplated Winry for a moment in silence.

"Care to explain yourself?" She finally spoke. Winry opened her mouth, then closed it again. What exactly was she supposed to say?

"I... don't know?" She mumbled feebly. Pinako humphed.

"I come home to find you curled up in a cold shower where you obviously spent the night, you barely notice you're nearing hypothermia, it takes me 15 minutes to get your attention, and you don't know what happened?"

"Yes? I mean, no?" Winry said meekly.

"Bullshit." Pinako snapped, and Winry ducked her head. Again, they fell into silence, and the clock's obnoxious ticking was briefly the only sound. Pinako sighed.

"I'm sending you away." She spoke with weary finality. Winry bolted upright and stared at her.

"What?!" She gasped in horror.

"I'm sending you away." Pinako repeated, puffing on her pipe.

"But... why?" Winry's mind raced. She'd been perfectly civil, she hadn't been slacking off, she'd been doing her chores...

"I'm tired of your moping. Ever since Alphonse and Edward-" Winry flinched "-left, you've stopped eating. You've started working yourself far too hard, and your eyes have an empty look to them."

"I-" Winry tried to interrupt.

"You sit inside all day tinkering with automail, and sometimes when I talk to you, you can't even hear me." Pinako continued.

"I'll do better! I promise! I'll be more present, and I'll go out more, and I'll take Den on walks and-" Winry begged.

"No. Look, Winry, this isn't just about your wallowing. You aren't solely to blame. But this simply isn't a healthy environment for you any more! You're 19 years old, for God's sakes! I won't be around forever, and when I die, you'll be left alone. Is that what you want, to be the crazy old spinster in the house on the hill? Because I don't think it is. That isn't what _I_ want for you, and you won't be happy here!" Pinako rose to her feet and seemed to grow in size with her fury.

"But... where are you sending me?" Winry asked miserably, accepting that her grandmother's mind was made up.

"Central. You have friends there. You'll do well, start your own automail business. You know more about the trade than I do by now."

"Central..." Winry echoed emptily. So far away.

"Yes. Now go get dressed and pack your bags. Your train leaves in a half hour." She slapped a train ticket roughly onto the table top, then glared at Winry. Winry reached over and took the ticket, then also rose to her feet. Making her way to the foot of the stairs, she turned back to look at Pinako.

"What are you waiting for? Scat!" Pinako snapped, and Winry did not miss how suspiciously damp her eyes looked.

"Yes, Granny." She sighed in defeat and headed up the stairs.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Now remember, I don't want to see your face back her for at least six months." Pinako insisted, tossing Winry's bag into the train after her.

"G'bye Granny. I'll call, I promise."

Pinako gave what might have been a chuckle, or perhaps it was a muffled sob.

"Yes, yes." She muttered, swiping at her eyes with a dirty oilcloth. The train began to move, and Winry stuck her head out the window.

"Love you, Granny!" She called, waving.

"Get your head inside the train before it gets knocked off!" Pinako yelled back, also waving. Then the train turned a corner and was out of sight. Den gave an anxious whine.

"Damn kids." Pinako sighed then turned to leave the station.


	2. Hestia

Winry dropped her bag with a loud grunt

a.n.: Birthday present for my beloved Ri. Listen to this song, it expresses how I feel about you perfectly.

Disclaimer: _fan_fiction

Janus

_Sanity now and beyond me  
I will always love you  
However long I stay  
I will always love you  
Whatever words I say_

_I will always love you  
There's no choice  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel whole again_

_-Lovesong of a Madman, Perfect Circle_

Winry dropped her bag with a loud grunt. She'd brought only necessary clothing and her best tools, but her suitcase still seemed far too heavy. Blinking in the bright Central sunlight, she looked around curiously at the street in front of her. She'd have to find a place to stay, first off. Then she'd need to rent a storefront. After that, she should stock up on food. Then it'd probably be a good idea to check out the local automail scene to evaluate the competition. And she needed spare tools… Winry fingered her wallet hesitantly. The problem with all this planning was that she really only had about 10,000 cenz, which was enough to rent a motel room in Central's ghetto, but not much else. She sighed, wishing her grandmother had at least given her some notice. If she had, Winry wouldn't have just splurged on that new set of wrenches. She'd probably have to apply for a loan… Suddenly exhausted by the prospect of so much work needing to be done, Winry yawned.

Perhaps it'd be best to reenergize first, before beginning her plans. As Pinako said, it was never good to think on an empty stomach. A cup of coffee and a scone sounded perfect… And there was a coffee shop right up the street. Lifting her bag again with a small groan and began lugging it up the sidewalk.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Winry smiled as she entered the coffee shop, greeted by the tinkling of the small bell on the door. She took a deep breath of the scent of brewing coffee and baking pastries. The woman behind the counter glanced up at her and smiled warmly.

"Take a seat wherever, honey." She called, then went back to counting the money in the register.

Winry scanned the café for an open seat and was surprised to see a familiar auburn head. There was Scieska, seated with a dark skinned woman. Winry opened her mouth to call to them, then shut it, realizing that they appeared to be arguing. The other woman was gesturing violently, and Scieska had an angry glint in her eye. Unfortunately, behind them was the only open seat. Winry sank gratefully into the booth and focus on the menu in an attempt to block out their conversation. Thankfully, she was saved by the waitress.

"What can I getcha?" The girl was petite and plump with brown hair cut so short it was almost a crew cut. She grinned peppily at Winry. Her nametag read 'Peggi'.

"Um… coffee, please. Black. And one of those roll things in the window.

"Ya want me to make that an Irish coffee? Ya seem like ya could use it." She winked. Winry chuckled.

"That'd be lovely." She replied, smiling at Peggi.

"Alright then. One coffee-" Here she winked again "-and one croissant, coming right up." She bounced off. Winry settled back into tooth and exhaled loudly. Perhaps she could rent a storefront and sleep in the back room… Or maybe a studio apartment… As she thought, she couldn't help overhearing the increasingly noisy discussion between Scieska and the other woman.

"Look, Lauren, this isn't about that-" Scieska insisted sharply, only to be interrupted.

"Than what the hell is it about? Don't tell me you've been fucking around behind my back!" Lauren snapped loudly.

"No, I haven't been 'fucking around'! I just don't think this is working out! You're never want to go anywhere with me, and when you do, you're always flirting with other people. It's like you're trying to test my limits, like this is a game to you! I just don't feel that we want the same thing from this relationship!"

"What the fuck am I supposed to want? Commitment?!"

"Why are you so incapable of considering a relationship seriously?" Scieska spat. Abruptly, Lauren stood up.

"You're right, we _don't_ want the same things from this! All you ever want is to 'get to know me better' and spend 'quality time together'. You never want any fun! You want a 'serious relationship', but you're so focused on the 'serious' part of it that you don't have a life!"

"Lauren, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. People are staring." Scieska hissed.

"Fuck you, Scieska. We're over. Go back to your little house stuffed with books. They're the only friends you'll ever have. You're such a bitch!" Throwing up her arms dramatically, Lauren stormed out of the restaurant. Winry heard Scieska heave an exasperated sigh, and mutter something that sounded like 'typical'. What she didn't expect was for Scieska to suddenly call out her name.

"Winry? Is that you?" She asked uncertainly.

"Scieska! I had no idea you were here!" Winry poked her head over the booth and feigned innocence. Scieska gave her a crooked grin, looking dangerously close to tears.

"Come sit by me!" Winry hastily insisted. Scieska gave her a grateful smile and slid into the seat across from her. For a moment, they both stared awkwardly down at the table top as Winry gave Scieska a moment to compose herself.

"So, uh, what are you doing here?" Winry finally asked.

"Well, I was trying to break up with my girlfr- my _ex_girlfriend, but she didn't take it as gracefully as I'd hoped…" Scieska ran a hand through her frizzy brown hair.

"Trying to break up with… oh. OH." The pieces of the conversation she'd heard, Scieska's necklace of two interlocking female symbols, the way she seemed to be glowing with newfound confidence… suddenly it all clicked into place.

"So you're… I mean, you're a… you like… you're a…" Winry fumbled for the polite term.

"Lesbian?" Scieska said helpfully. "Been out for six months, though I think the only surprised one was myself. 100 certified dyke, that's me."

"Certified. Really." Winry raised an eyebrow.

"Well, alright, so I made that part up." Scieska grinned sheepishly.

"That's the Scieska I remember." Winry laughed. Peggi suddenly appeared by their table carrying a ray with two cups of coffee and a croissant.

"An Irish coffee for the cutie-" She deposited the pastry and a mug in front of Winry. "-and a black coffee, on the house, for the dyke." She giggled.

"Peggi, you aren't going to win me over with free coffee." Scieska gave her a flirty smile.

"But I can try, can't I?" Peggi retorted. "So, I heard that you and Lauren are over. I think the whole café hear, in fact."

"Yeah, sorry about that. She was never very good with bad news…" Scieska apologized.

"No need to be sorry. If Lauren's gone, does that mean you're free tonight?" She poked Scieska with her pen.

"Give it a rest, Peggi, you're not my type." Scieska replied demurely, adding packet of sugar to her cup.

"Oh? What's this? You have a type? Well, what's she like then?"

"Well, for one thing, tall-" She stuck her tongue out at the shorter woman "-and preferably blonde." She winked at Winry.

Peggi clucked at her.

"Ya watch out for this one, chicklet. She's a real lady-killer."

"Thanks for the warning, but I'm not-"

"Oh my God! It's a _hetro_!" Peggi threw an arm over her forehead in mock horror.

"Peggi, don't you have tables you ought to be attending to?" Scieska hinted not-so-subtly.

"Hmph. Mark my words, blondie." She called over her shoulder as she bustled off.

"Don't mind her, she's just a flirt." Scieska took a sip of her coffee..

Winry nodded and followed suit.

"So, how's Ms. Riza?" Winry asked after a pause. Scieska snorted into her coffee.

"Same as ever. Funny, I'd never pegged Mustang to be such a bastard. I mean-" She seemed to remember who she was talking to. She abruptly fell silent, her face red.

"What?! They still haven't made up?" Winry pretended not to notice Scieska's embarrassment. Scieska shook her head mutely, apparently too chagrinned to comment further on the matter.

"Oh! I forgot to ask you! What're you doing up here in this neck of the woods?" Scieska changed the subject.

"My grandmother kicked me out." Winry gave a rueful smile.

"No!" Scieska gasped appropriately.

"Yes. She said I was old enough to start my own business." _And stop moping _Winry internally added. Scieska chewed thoughtfully on her stirring stick.

"She's right you know. But where are you staying? Forest like this and a young girl like yourself is likely to get eaten by a big bad wolf." She growled playfully. Winry swatted her arm.

"Actually, I just got here an hour ago. So as of now, my residence for tonight appears to be the Pleasant Palace." Winry jerked her thumb out the window toward the motel behind her.

"There? The beds have more bugs than they do mattress! And let me tell you, if you find a brown thing on your pillow, it sure as hell isn't a mint."

"So what do you suggest?" Winry grumbled.

"Stay with me!" Scieska chirped.

"What?!"

"Stay with me! My house is a two bedroom one bath. I've been using the other room to store books, but there's no reason you shouldn't have it."

"But-"

"I promise I won't install a spy cam in the shower."

"That's not it, it's just that… well, and I've only got 10,000 cenz. I couldn't possibly-"

"Oh, pshaw." Scieska waved a hand in dismissal. "What kind of a friend would I be if I let you stay in a place like that?"

Winry gave her a look.

"What? Okay, fine, I also won't 'accidentally' walk in on you in the shower."

Winry laughed.

"I know. It's not that. I'm just glad to have a friend like you." Winry gave her an awkward one-armed hug across the table, which, after a minute, Scieska hesitantly returned.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Winry awoke the next morning to an incessant prodding of her lower back.

"Rise and shine!" Scieska called cheerfully, and Winry groaned. It just figured that Scieska would be a morning person.

"Up, up, up, sleepyhead!" She sang, poking Winry again. With a half-yawn half-roar Winry sat up to face her.

"Scieska. Don't_ ever_ wake me up before 9 on weekends." She growled, trying to glare to Scieska through her tangled hair.

"Ooh, scary. Now move." Scieska replied briskly, yanking the covers off the bed, causing Winry to whimper as she was exposed to the cool morning air. Winry rolled over onto the floor, groping blindly for her jeans.

"Here." Scieska thrust a light blue cotton shift into Winry's hands. "Your clothes are in the wash."

"Coff." She mumbled, gesturing vaguely.

"Cough?" Scieska asked, obviously confused.

"Ee." Winry explained, gesticulating some more.

"Coff. Ee. Coff-ee. Coffee. Oh!" Realization dawned on Scieska and Winry could practically see the light bulb going on over her head. She bustled out of the room and into the kitchen, while Winry tried to figure out if her arm was really supposed to go through the collar of the dress.

Scieska came back in several minutes later sporting a large mug of the aforementioned beverage, only to find Winry sitting by the vanity table with a brush in one hand, a comb in the other, and a look of despair on her face.

"You redefine the word 'useless'." She teased, taking the brush from Winry's hand. Winy looked up at her gratefully. They sat in silence for a moment as Scieska struggled through Winry's tangles.

"You have warm hands." Winry whispered, leaning a little into her brushing. Scieska colored ever so slightly.

"Um… Thank you? No one has ever told me that before."

"Yeah. They're really warm and soft." Winry gave a little contented sigh. Scieska put the brush down.

"I'm done." She said quietly, gently running her fingers though Winry's long golden hair. Winry abruptly pulled away.

"Um, I should drink my coffee in the kitchen. I could spill it in here." She stammered. She picked up her mug, and darting out of the room, she left Scieska staring after her in confusion.


End file.
